MeFites, my roommate is a mid-twenties free spirit who is a lovely spirit, generous to a fault, but has very little respect for others' things. When she moved in, I set the tone for our household to be one of sharing; I wanted to frequently share my dinners with her. I made it clear that things I own in common areas are fair game (kitchen stuff, etc). I've specified what is mine, what I choose not to share, what is NOT fair game for her use.
I love this roommate, but since the beginning, there has been major boundary crossing. My things go missing. My food, shampoo, mouthwash, household cleaners get used up. Worst of all, when I can't find things, she turns white and tells me they are at "so-and-so's house" and rushes off to get them.
When she ruined my good towels by using them at the school, she said, "Why do you need good towels anyway?! We're so spoiled in this country!" implying I was being selfish and materialistic. Guilting me for expecting my roommate to exercise normal, healthy respect for others' property.
I've had at least four "boundary clarification" talks with her. I have expressed that while I am happy to let her use my things IN OUR HOME, they are NOT to leave the house without my permission. I have clearly stated, "Hey, I am the one who gets to decide whether you use my belongings. You don't get to decide for me."
After a major episode when she lent my sewing box out to one neighbor and our vacuum to another, I set a tangible boundary to keep my things safe and put a lock on my bedroom door. But she STILL is taking things to the school where she works...things she presumes are "No big deal." My grandmother's rolling pin. My only nice set of dinner napkins (both now ruined or gone.) I've told her the next time I find something missing, rent will go up $50 a month for each missing thing (and that's in addition to her replacing what's gone.)
She offers me her food, to use her clothes or hair products, etc. "any time" which is lovely and generous and selfless...buys little presents, has offered to lend me money, helps and cleans up around the house, etc...and I genuinely like her as a person, but I'm really struggling with how to deal with this. In some ways, I feel like I'm dealing with a stubborn, incorrigible, spoiled teenager.
Please note: right now for various reasons, I cannot ask her to move out, so please help me come up with solutions to the situation I'm presently in.
Since being laid off, I have been seriously underemployed and barely paying the bills. I'm starting a new job next month so this stress will lighten soon, but in the last few months with her using up the little I have, it has been very difficult. Knowing she might be sneaking my shampoo and eating the food I bought for myself has been threatening my sense of well-being. I realize deep mistrust has set in.
I've said and done all the constructive things I can think of. But clearly, she doesn't "get it." Healthy boundaries and grownup considerations.
Can anyone help? I'm at my wit's end.
• Amar'e Stoudemire's dreams just came true: He recently posed for Vogue’s April issue! [Page Six/NYP]
• Joseph Calvin Klein designer Francisco Costa: "[Calvin] is just great. He's a genius. He has a legacy of work, a huge body of work. You cannot compare really because he is just unique. And it's not fair because he has 35 years to back him up. It's very tempting and an easy thing to just bring back the archives. That challenges me. I find that most difficult. I find it insulting to the house and insulting to myself. For me to take it forward — that is Calvin — to look forward. So for me to look back and just copy something, then I am not doing my job." [Vogue UK]
• Garance Doré recently moved into a prewar Greenwich Village loft with boyfriend Scott “The Sartorialist” Schuman, explaining, “I don’t make sacrifices. There is no, ‘I leave everything for my man.’ I just do things when they make me feel good and they feel right." [NYT]
• Critical shopper Jon Caramanica on Soho’s new Fiorentini + Baker store: “From a distance, you could be forgiven for thinking they were sets of twins, or maybe the whole Duggar clan, 19 siblings and counting. There is not much variation to be had on the women’s side. Colors: black, or maybe a muted earth tone. (There was one chalky lavender option; it looked lonely.)” [NYT]
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